I've been living in London for around 2 months now, and all in all, it's been a mediocre experience. As I've mentioned before, I had this delusion where I thought simply moving to London would drastically change my life in an instant. This, however, is sadly not the case. This I accept is partly my fault, I personally am not a very outgoing person. I'm not a person who goes out to bars or goes out for the sake of going out.
I'm an individual who prefers a quiet setting and surrounded by a few people that I care about and have a connection with.
On a different note, I may not be an outgoing person, but I am a creative individual. For example, my YouTube channel, which allows me to express my creativity is an outlet for me. It allows me to communicate with others without the means of going out.
On the one hand, this can be perceived as negative, as I'm building a persona that is completely based on the self I create and post online. This is a conundrum that I have greatly thought about. It, in turn, lead to me taking a few hiatuses from YouTube. Although these breaks in uploading content have had positive effects, such as giving me a new fuel for content creation and inspiring new ideas both for YouTube and in other projects.
However, there have been some adverse effects. The technical problem is that, once a channel stops posting on YouTube, it becomes buried within the algorithm. Essentially the YouTube machine that controls what videos people are served assumes the channel is dead. Therefore it won't suggest videos of a channel that it thinks won't continue entertaining people. There are way to work around this, a little bit of 'hacking' you can revive a channel. Something I am currently working on.
The other aspect that of taking a break from YouTube that has had a detrimental effect, is that I have clearly lost some confidence in front of the camera. This I feel is obvious in my most recent videos. It takes a while to get something right, and I'm still unhappy with end the result. I'll eventually overcome this, but for now I feel stuck in a transitional phase.
As I've have said before, I'm comfortable being on my own, the prospect doesn't scare or upset me. However I do recognise that my creativity is being stifled by this comfort. Many of my creative idols are able to thrive in this 'loneliness'. My favourite writer Haruki Murakami comes to mind.
Unfortunately I feel that i've hit a certain threshold with my self induced reclusion. The only ideas I have are my completely my own. They're not influenced by a third party, or at least a third party where I can discuss an idea. I feel that if were to find a place to discuss and share creative thoughts it may help me unlock more potential in myself.
What is my issue? Well it all circles back. It's my lack of motivation to create these links.
I'm the first one to admit that i'm a 'lazy' individual. I wont go out of my way to do things if I don't find them to be imperative. An example would be, I've gone three weeks without buying milk. Why? Because I can use milk at work. If I want cereal (Jordans Cereal hit me up) I'll have it at work. If I want tea, I'll have it at work. That is the extent of my 'laziness'.
This 'social laziness' isn't detrimental, for now, but a small part of me feels that unless I make some kind of change in my life, my inner loneliness will have drastic effects. It's difficult to come out of one's shell. To embrace others and accept them into your fold. Yet I feel very very slowly, I'm going to get there.
I leave you with the most recent video from my YouTube channel (as of writing). Hopefully your outlook on it is far less harsh than my own.