The Best Alcoholic Beverages, According to a Guy who Doesn’t Drink!
As a person who doesn’t drink, I’m a staunch believer in going out every Friday night and getting absolutely legless. I’m talking so wasted you get a tattoo of the old woman that lives down the street and feeds the cats that hang out by the bins.
However, to do so you’re going to have to drink a ton of alcohol. Something I am not well versed in. So, who better to tell you the best (and worst) bevs to get when you’re trying to get shitfaced?
Beer - The German devil's drink
Beer, or as your xenophobic grandad who was around during WW2 calls it “the drink of those damn foreigners drink”, is the worst bev to get on a night out. I’ve tasted non-alcoholic alcohol and I swear if you want someone to never have a beer in their life, give them a fucking Becks Blue. Drinking that shit is more painful getting knifed in the kidney by your own mum.
So for one, it tastes like utter crap, and secondly, it takes you a few to get a buzz going, especially because you probably started drinking at 14 to deal with the fact your parents don’t really love you and you were an accident. Therefore you’ve got to buy more rounds, and let's be honest if you’re going out most nights to deal with your loneliness and depression, that minimum wage job you got despite having a degree in classics isn’t really going to cut it right?
So I’d stay away from the beers mate.
Alchopops - Either you’re a child or a predator
Get the fucking Bacardi Breezers! Said no one ever. If you’re over the age of 16 why the hell are you trying to buy this shit? Other than the fact you might be on a particular list if so leave now before I get Chris Hansen. Alcopops are described as ‘sweet’ and ‘small’ both words used to describe a guy who could otherwise be referred to as a cuck.
Getting one of these when on the lash calls for you to get lashed, and I mean Saudi Arabia style lashed. Imagine walking up to the bar staff and with a straight face asking for a Smirnoff Ice. The bartender would be in their right mind to slap you and send you to a psychiatric, where you’ll not only find you’re shit at picking drinks, but also have a deep-rooted psychological issue stemming from that one time your mum ‘accidentally’ left you at Sainsbury’s and ‘forgot’ for 4 hours.
So please stay away from these. Unless you want to become the friend that the rest of the group are willing to sacrifice to the lord Paimon after a group drug trip.
Wine - Mummy loves you but don’t fucking disturb me whilst I’m having a glass of red Timmy!
Now, we’re getting somewhere. Suave, sophisticated and sumptuous. You, can’t go wrong with a good glass of wine right? Especially if you’re a group of 50-year-old middle-class folk discussing what their delinquent child has done to one of the poor kids and will get away scot-free with.
But seriously if you’re trying to have a good time, get yourself a nice bottle of pinot noir and share it amongst your friends whilst having a hearty discussion about free-market politics.
Or as most of you poor sobs can’t afford that get one of them cheap bottles from Tesco and down it in the parking lot after a quick shag with the person you met at a club who’s probably given you gonorrhoea. Better yet get a box of that shit and down it faster than an overweight man consuming an XL Big Mac whilst hating himself but also loving the grease trickle down his gullet.
At the end of the day, wine is going to get you drunk faster than a beer, so you can make bad decisions sooner!
Cocktails - or the PG alternative roostertail
Nothing says a night out like a cheeky cocktail. Dark ’N’ Stormy, Between the Sheet or Singapore Sling, are some of my favourite pornos. A cocktail is sweet and high in alcohol, a perfect mix to elevate your sadness as you’re probably drinking after catching your significant other sleeping with your best friend.
More importantly, every bar in the damn world has 2-4-1 cocktails in the early evening, so if you’re a fan of early drinking and diabetes you’re in luck. Grab a Sex on the Beach, something you’ll never get let's be honest, and stare at your drink as the old regular sits in the corner giving you dirty looks. Little do you know he’s actually a survivor of government experiments and has been left with a perpetual bitch face, leading to his wife leaving him for a ‘happier man.' Thus like yourself instead of dealing with this change in his life, he resorts to drowning his sorrows in brightly coloured booze.
Hard Liquor - Otherwise known as the only way to make the voices go away
The go-to drink for elderly white men who call minorities ‘them’, for a gang of girls pree-ing before hitting the club and being harassed to douchebags who coincidentally have downed bottles of a questionable spirit from the local Polski Sklep.
This versatility of this drink is what makes it most impressive. It can be used by wealthy folk stood in the drawing room discussing social issues that don’t pertain to them, pondering why these unemployed people don’t just try harder. Or it can be used by a gaggle of teens drinking so much behind the school gym that one of them passes out and subsequently dies of alcohol poisoning. Leading to the rest of the group being left with unimaginable mental scars, some learning to deal with them, others using it as the crux of their future misdeeds ranging from drug trafficking to boosting cars to give them a serotonin kick.
So there you have it, a comprehensive guide to the best drinks to have on a night out. Avoid beer because you’re not a scumbag and go with hard liquor. You’ll be seen as sophisticated and you definitely won’t remember that quickie from last night.