How not to make friends
A comprehensive guide to being alone
If like me, you’re far too polite to tell a person “I don’t like you” and therefore you’re forced to befriend them, here are some handy tips to avoid becoming their “ol’ buddy ol’ pal”
1) Lick them – allegedly, humans don’t enjoy having people they have just met tickling their taste buds through what some would deem mild foreplay. I find this absurd because when a dog does it it’s cute, when I do it, I’m on the sex offenders register (Rolf Harris would be proud).
2) Be accidentally racist – nothing puts a person off like an ‘accidental’ racial slur. If they’re brown like me something along the lines of “I didn’t call you a terrorist, I just said you look like a terrorist” or “your turban would be the perfect place to conceal a weapon” will do just nicely.
3) Feign belief in conspiracies – If you pretend to be one of those nutters like David Icke, who believe in “Reptilian Humanoids” or a “Global Elite” people will avoid you at all costs. Therefore you needn’t worry about having to have intellectual conversations.
4) Rat them out – If you think about it, the basis of a friendship is “trust” so if you decided to break that trust, by maybe telling their parents that they’ve been dealing that “dank kush”, or maybe telling their significant other they were “boinking” Alex from down the road. That person will never consider being your friend ever again.
5) Be as negative as possible – Nobody like a negative Nancy, which plays exactly into your hands. The more negative you are the less a person will want to hangout with you. So when they ask you about your day, go out of your way to stress all the minute details that have ‘upset’ you; “I burn my toast, my life is over” or “I’m pretty sure my significant other is sleeping with the gardener.” It’s scientifically proven that your mood can impact others, so people will go out of their way not to be around you, in the words of Charlie Sheen “Winning!”
If you follow all of these steps to the letter, you can be sure that no one in their right mind will ever want to be your friend. Thus resulting in you having ample “me time” to question the purpose of your existence and other existential questions, that dwarf our puny existence!